14 10 / 2013
Yesterday, I took a big decision. Do you know about Manga-Ka Art Community Kalsel (MACK)? The manga community that I found for my place (South Borneo), I decided to dissolve it. Other Core organizer can’t have any efforts, protest was useless because decision came from me, the founder and the leader of it.
A lot reason why I decided to dissolve it…
I can’t take hold their sins. In my religion, if follower do something wrong according their belief the the leader should endure their sins. I’m not a blind person about teaching of my religion, I was just in the wrong passion that made me keep moving despite knowing it was wrong . Now I’m disinclined if see member drawing till forget prayer (cause majority of the members are muslims) and they draw something weird (yaoi, yuri, hentai). It increases the burdens to me. They indeed can’t see my burden in shoulder but I feel it and it haunts me everyday!
I’ve tired fighting to the death to spend a lot energy and money savings, even I sacrificed personal and family interests. For me “the responsibility” for a lot people is important and should keep it. Whereas, a half of core organizer too relax! not serious!
And also, my mindset with some Core organizer isn’t in line anymore. So, trying to correct it can’t help, change the leader is useless too because the sins still I hold cause I’m the founder. The exact way is rid the community!
Finally, I realized that my place isn’t ready to get fast advancement because mindset of the young generation in this place still can’t be like other place (such as Java). I know I was wrong to forced advancement too extreme till the community should be ended like this.
This decision breaks dream a lot people here. But should I keep holding despite my inner feeling tortured?
Though trying to close my eyes while putting smile in order to I can keep the road continues but my heart of hearts still see it is wrong! Needless to keep it because it’s not a pride anymore but it’s heavy burden in my life.
The more time passes the more revealed irregularities of this community by God when conflict came on. During 6 months I was trying hard to make it become normal again but useless, seems like God don’t wanna give blessing anymore. So, this is time for me to end it.
This is big lesson in my life and other…that don’t be so stubborn depend something which in the first already knew it was wrong according the teaching of religion.
In the end of 2013, I’m going to announce official confirmation that community is dissolved to all members and public. Now I’m settling the rest of affairs.
has been almost 2 years, but I should say Good bye for it ;u; I can’t stand anymore~
05 10 / 2013
01 10 / 2013
23 9 / 2013
Still stuck on my mind, the childhood that distressed.
Mocking, belting then crying everyday, It was really has become permanent memory on my brain.
Even in that moment, I had created my imagination friends and talked with them but I wasn’t an anti-social.
I was just like a kid that had mental illness.
And finally, I was realized and trying live normal again.
But everyday I live with my double personality which always fighting to dominate my day.
Masculine side seems like doesn’t permit me become a woman completely.
Masculine side which is hothead and courageous like man but high self-esteem and too independent.
Really bother, but I can’t lose it because it is my big protector in myself untill now.
Though in the real, I’m a female.
But I’m too afraid showing my weakness because the weaks are always bullied.
Yes, I’m…I’m a coward who don’t wanna feel unhappy childhood back happened again to my live now.